.

Please, please, please let these appointments lead to a solution. The most anticipated thing in my life right now, is going to that initial appointment with the psychologist and beginning the diagnostic process. How funny would it be, after 22 years, after having dozens of teachers, friends, and family members tell me "Gee, you are SO smart Allison, If ONLY you would apply yourself..." to find out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder? To find out that someone can help me, help myself?!

I am so so so tired of being the smart, pretty girl who could do anything if she tried. (honestly, I feel patronized when anyone talks about how amazing i could be, how well i could do, or asks why I don't get things finished. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! and unless you're willing to show me what to do, to teach me how to think, then i don't want to hear your comments.) It just makes me feel even more pathetic. There are no outward signs of struggle, no obvious symptoms of distress, no blatent hints as to why my work is so inconsistant or as to why my house is a disaster. I can be charming, engaging, witty- a social butterfly. I think that is one of the major reasons why no one ever noticed that something is wrong with me. "Oh Allison, you forgot again? you silly, eccentric thing. It's a good thing you're cute." My shortcomings are brushed aside because, hell, at least she's entertaining.

you know, sometimes i feel trapped inside myself? Like, for a day, i wish that the plans that i make (ok, Today I am going to: ... ... ...) would actually be followed. I can sometimes get the first, maybe even the second thing crossed off my list. Beyond that? I get lost. I can't explain it any other way.

Honestly, it'slike this: I have a list of things to do in my head, I'll be running around and then, all of a sudden, I find myself lost. Clueless, I'll be standing in the living room not entirely sure why I came there. I'm used to that now. I usually stop, and look around quickly, searching for a hint as to what I was doing. Often, i'm able to remember. Sometimes, I don't, and I'll move on to something else, something probably not on my forgotton list. I'm like a 22 year old with dementia.

How often do I wander around, and leave something important behind? Not even noticing that I paused to put it down... Believe me, My life changed once i began to hang up my keys when I walk in the door. I am fundamentially disorganized. I'm absolutely facinated by structure and order. I can look through a martha stewart magazine and marvel at the pristine photos of shelving units, cupboards, living rooms, closets all with specific places for everything. I can't even fathom how a person could think in such a way. I don't understand it at all.

Anyway, I hope my initial appointment on april 21'st goes well, and that the follow-up appointment, the one with the 6 hours of testing, comes quickly. I want to help myself. I want to live up to expectations for once in my god damn life.