Please, please, please let these appointments lead to a solution. The most anticipated thing in my life right now, is going to that initial appointment with the psychologist and beginning the diagnostic process. How funny would it be, after 22 years, after having dozens of teachers, friends, and family members tell me "Gee, you are SO smart Allison, If ONLY you would apply yourself..." to find out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder? To find out that someone can help me, help myself?!

I am so so so tired of being the smart, pretty girl who could do anything if she tried. (honestly, I feel patronized when anyone talks about how amazing i could be, how well i could do, or asks why I don't get things finished. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! and unless you're willing to show me what to do, to teach me how to think, then i don't want to hear your comments.) It just makes me feel even more pathetic. There are no outward signs of struggle, no obvious symptoms of distress, no blatent hints as to why my work is so inconsistant or as to why my house is a disaster. I can be charming, engaging, witty- a social butterfly. I think that is one of the major reasons why no one ever noticed that something is wrong with me. "Oh Allison, you forgot again? you silly, eccentric thing. It's a good thing you're cute." My shortcomings are brushed aside because, hell, at least she's entertaining.

you know, sometimes i feel trapped inside myself? Like, for a day, i wish that the plans that i make (ok, Today I am going to: ... ... ...) would actually be followed. I can sometimes get the first, maybe even the second thing crossed off my list. Beyond that? I get lost. I can't explain it any other way.

Honestly, it'slike this: I have a list of things to do in my head, I'll be running around and then, all of a sudden, I find myself lost. Clueless, I'll be standing in the living room not entirely sure why I came there. I'm used to that now. I usually stop, and look around quickly, searching for a hint as to what I was doing. Often, i'm able to remember. Sometimes, I don't, and I'll move on to something else, something probably not on my forgotton list. I'm like a 22 year old with dementia.

How often do I wander around, and leave something important behind? Not even noticing that I paused to put it down... Believe me, My life changed once i began to hang up my keys when I walk in the door. I am fundamentially disorganized. I'm absolutely facinated by structure and order. I can look through a martha stewart magazine and marvel at the pristine photos of shelving units, cupboards, living rooms, closets all with specific places for everything. I can't even fathom how a person could think in such a way. I don't understand it at all.

Anyway, I hope my initial appointment on april 21'st goes well, and that the follow-up appointment, the one with the 6 hours of testing, comes quickly. I want to help myself. I want to live up to expectations for once in my god damn life.

scene II act IV

there lies
a trail
of socks
left haphazardly
hurriedly
taken
off
in
anticipation

there lies
a trail
of socks
as
evidence
unnoticed
telling stories
of. . . .

I'm feeling really good today. I woke up this morning, actually awake.

I had almost convinced myself to go back to sleep (I even set an alarm for 2 hours later and closed my eyes again) then I remembered Ashley asking me to send her wake-up texts before going to my 8am class. I had no desire to lie to her or anyone else about my no excuse absence from class, so i got up, showered, and made it to school on time.

I went home directly after class. Sometimes the 7 hour break between classes is a blessing. I can get things done like cramming before my exams, papers finished, food made, errands ran, and bills paid. Other days, i use those 7 hours to catch up on sleep, gossip girl, and for fantasy shopping. Today was one of those "other days". I was ridiculously happy to find the latest gossip girl online. I had a 3 hour nap, and did some reading for my psych class.

Reality tv, fix me?

I'm a mess. My attitudes and actions need overhauling.

here's a question: How come I don't know how to TRY? why does everything have to be all or nothing in my life? I can see grey everywhere else! and I can see everyone elses big picture!

and I'm lonely, I just want my girlfriends. and comfort.

and teddybears don't do their job anymore.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving.

You know what i'm thankful for? I'm thankful that we're not together anymore.

3 card flush? That sounds like some sort of bathroom accident.

I DO like my life. I have been dealt a great hand. But i can't read the cards, and i don't know how to play the game. Unfortunately there isn't a rulebook either.

a small lesson in budgeting, and generosity.

Ashley came over yesterday evening. I love that girl, and we haven't been able to see each other nearly enough. (In the 5 years that we have been friends, then best friends, I have never questioned our friendship once.) Anyways, I decided before walking her home that i was bringing $10 to spend on a chocolate binge at one of the grocery stores along the way.

Once I had hugged my best friend goodbye; I find myself inside Save-on-Foods. Like steel to a magnet i am drawn to the fresh fruits and veggies.

My chocolate indulgence run, quickly became an opportunity in visual budgeting. I picked up a peach, and a red pear and happily placed them in my basket. 4 green bannanas joined the party next, and things got really lively once i picked up a couple red potatoes as well as some parsnip and an orange pepper. (those peppers are really a hoot!) I managed to find some 7 grain bread on sale, so he joined in as well. The chocolate was last to arrive, fashionably late, you might say.

I get up the the counter and my grocery party finds itself dancing on a moving, grooving big black belt. After assuring myself that the party will survive the entire trip down the belt with no disaster, I start chatting to the man in line behind me. He commended me for my heathy choices (save the chocolate) and began to talk about the BBQ he would be hosting for family the next day. Soon enough I let him in on my budgeting challenge: I had only $10 with me, not a penny more. As the cashier efficently scanned my goods the man and I watched the screen with eager anticipation to see if i had passed or if i would have to leave one of my new friends (the bread) behind.

0.66, 1.48, 1.22... all the way up until the bread was the last thing to go... Total: $10.83. Dammit, the bread would have to go.

I start telling the cashier that i'll leave the bread when the gentleman behind me hands me a dollar, and insists i take it because he believes in good karma and only good could come from his generosity. So i took it, and thanked him kindly.

I walked the entire way home smiling. What a wonderful way to end a day.

where soul meets body

My new school books are on my naked bed.

until i started glancing through them all i felt for school was excitement. now, now i know that i'm going to need to work hard. My year wont be easy - at all. but its satisfying to know that i will have expanded, and grew with all the information contained in these books, and with the information housed inside my professors.

i welcome the challenge and i refuse to fail.

bring. it. on.

Today

I destroyed an entire village with my feet.

I took the lives of small and tentative creatures.

I relished (fighting the horror) in the knowledge of it all.

realizing that i too, am a small and tentative creature.

21 and invincible

on wednesday i spent the entire day with Lindsay and Josh.

Josh picked us up from Lindsays house and drove us to my doctors office, when that was all done with we went to Mr. Bills and he treated us to lunch. The record store was next - we looked at books, cd's and DVDs for ages, then zoomed away to Budmiller park, (yes Ash, where you ripped your pants and fell in sewage water) found ourselves a relatively wind free spot and spent the afternoon sunning and socalizing. Josh's Baseball game was next, Lindsay and I sat at a picnic table and watched the game while listening to the past on her ipod... eventually we moved inside the dugout where we were quickly offered spitz and converstation. His team won! (A first for him, a second for his team) So he blew off band practice, we all went to the liqour store bought some drinkage, bought some pizzas(my treat) and went to Josh's house and proceeded to eat, drink and be merry! (watched a scary british warewolf movie.... Dog Soldiers (puppy army?)) and then cracked out the board games! Trouble was first. then Mad Gab! I won i won i won! at 2:20 we crashed...decided it was time to walk back to lindsays house. so the three of us started out trek... quickly realizing that flashlights would have been a good idea, but to drunk to think about going back to get one...

we walked as a team, lindsay on my right - my arm hooked in hers, and josh on my left - my hand held securely in his.

you wouldnt believe how hard it was for me to reclaim this blog. total time elapsed? about 13 solid minutes. on the internet? that is rediculous. but i found it, so all is good.

so, today is saturday, yesterday i spent the entire day on my feet. It was insane, although i saw almost every single person that i know whom live in edmonton. AND i bought the movie stardust! its sooo good. everyone will love it. everyone!

anyways, fun stuff? i haven't gotten dressed today. its totally rad. i'm way happy that Lane and I moved the furniture around, the couch that i'm lounging on right now is awesomer than the one that was here previously.

we need a roommate. i have been trying my best, putting ads up on websites, answering emails, showing the place... and still... no one really wants to move in with us. is it because we're a couple? does that weird people out? but honestly, like 80% of roommates have their respective, regular, sleepover partners! What is so different about this? maybe its the place itself? could be our furniture isn't as cool as they wished it was, maybe our attitudes don't align, i don't know. all i know is that we need another person to share the rent. i pay 400 a month, lanes parents pitch in his 400 dollars a month, and at the moment my parents are paying 800 dollars a month because we dont have a roommate! AHH that is too much.

ok, dont feel like writing more...

On an adventure for an Ice Cream Cake that would Commemorate a made up holiday, Melissa and i discovered the only thing on earth that could possibly be funnier than a log cake saying "Joyful Banikafla Melissa and Allison!"

A life size cutout of Al Borlan from Tv's Home Improvement.

I couldn't stop laughing, it was so surprising! I never would have expected to see his face staring at me from inside the passenger seat of a delivery truck. I guess that delivery man never gets lonely.