I have that stupid U2 song from the Blackberry commercials stuck in my head. ...Except the words dont make sense.... something about mountains going crazy? Go to sleep stupid. btb, Moon is a cool movie.

Well, the verdict's in. I officially have ADHD - Combined type. Overall my attention is way worse that even I had anticipated. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, but I have no baseline to compare to, I've always been this way. It was interesting to be shown a normal bell curve and have where I ranked, pointed out. of course there were many tests, and many areas where I was placed along the curve. I have a really wide range of scatter within my results. Unusual, but not out of the realm of possibility of a person with ADHD. However, the testing revealed not only the diagnosis of ADHD, but also a "mild learning disability." "while the effects of this learning disability were most evident in the area of mathemaics on this assesment, her performance in other areas could also be affected depending on the nature of the task. Her ADHD also plays a primary role, and is likely exacerbated by stress." Facinating!

I'm relived that I'll be learning strategies for the future, thanks to this assesment. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and that the future isn't so daunting anymore.

Please, please, please let these appointments lead to a solution. The most anticipated thing in my life right now, is going to that initial appointment with the psychologist and beginning the diagnostic process. How funny would it be, after 22 years, after having dozens of teachers, friends, and family members tell me "Gee, you are SO smart Allison, If ONLY you would apply yourself..." to find out that I have Attention Deficit Disorder? To find out that someone can help me, help myself?!

I am so so so tired of being the smart, pretty girl who could do anything if she tried. (honestly, I feel patronized when anyone talks about how amazing i could be, how well i could do, or asks why I don't get things finished. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! and unless you're willing to show me what to do, to teach me how to think, then i don't want to hear your comments.) It just makes me feel even more pathetic. There are no outward signs of struggle, no obvious symptoms of distress, no blatent hints as to why my work is so inconsistant or as to why my house is a disaster. I can be charming, engaging, witty- a social butterfly. I think that is one of the major reasons why no one ever noticed that something is wrong with me. "Oh Allison, you forgot again? you silly, eccentric thing. It's a good thing you're cute." My shortcomings are brushed aside because, hell, at least she's entertaining.

you know, sometimes i feel trapped inside myself? Like, for a day, i wish that the plans that i make (ok, Today I am going to: ... ... ...) would actually be followed. I can sometimes get the first, maybe even the second thing crossed off my list. Beyond that? I get lost. I can't explain it any other way.

Honestly, it'slike this: I have a list of things to do in my head, I'll be running around and then, all of a sudden, I find myself lost. Clueless, I'll be standing in the living room not entirely sure why I came there. I'm used to that now. I usually stop, and look around quickly, searching for a hint as to what I was doing. Often, i'm able to remember. Sometimes, I don't, and I'll move on to something else, something probably not on my forgotton list. I'm like a 22 year old with dementia.

How often do I wander around, and leave something important behind? Not even noticing that I paused to put it down... Believe me, My life changed once i began to hang up my keys when I walk in the door. I am fundamentially disorganized. I'm absolutely facinated by structure and order. I can look through a martha stewart magazine and marvel at the pristine photos of shelving units, cupboards, living rooms, closets all with specific places for everything. I can't even fathom how a person could think in such a way. I don't understand it at all.

Anyway, I hope my initial appointment on april 21'st goes well, and that the follow-up appointment, the one with the 6 hours of testing, comes quickly. I want to help myself. I want to live up to expectations for once in my god damn life.

scene II act IV

there lies
a trail
of socks
left haphazardly
hurriedly
taken
off
in
anticipation

there lies
a trail
of socks
as
evidence
unnoticed
telling stories
of. . . .

I'm feeling really good today. I woke up this morning, actually awake.

I had almost convinced myself to go back to sleep (I even set an alarm for 2 hours later and closed my eyes again) then I remembered Ashley asking me to send her wake-up texts before going to my 8am class. I had no desire to lie to her or anyone else about my no excuse absence from class, so i got up, showered, and made it to school on time.

I went home directly after class. Sometimes the 7 hour break between classes is a blessing. I can get things done like cramming before my exams, papers finished, food made, errands ran, and bills paid. Other days, i use those 7 hours to catch up on sleep, gossip girl, and for fantasy shopping. Today was one of those "other days". I was ridiculously happy to find the latest gossip girl online. I had a 3 hour nap, and did some reading for my psych class.

Reality tv, fix me?

I'm a mess. My attitudes and actions need overhauling.

here's a question: How come I don't know how to TRY? why does everything have to be all or nothing in my life? I can see grey everywhere else! and I can see everyone elses big picture!

and I'm lonely, I just want my girlfriends. and comfort.

and teddybears don't do their job anymore.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving.

You know what i'm thankful for? I'm thankful that we're not together anymore.